Why We Seriously Need To Stop Body Shaming

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The images above are my body. A body that has been abused for years, a body that has starved and a body that has binged. A body that has been called too fat and too thin. A body that has been too weak and a body that has been pushed to its limits to gain strength. The image on the left; a photo taken nearly two years ago, a photo that I thought I looked fat in, a photo where my spine didn't stick out enough, a photo which encouraged me to drop another half stone. The two images on the right; photos taken a few days ago; photos depicting 14 months of hard work, a two stone weight gain and an immeasurable increase in strength. Despite the drastic physical difference, both these images have something in common: they are both bodies that have been shamed and criticised. Fat shaming, fit shaming, skinny shaming. Call it what you want, the bottom line is we are constantly judging people based on their physical appearance. And that is something that is not ok.

Being judged is never nice. It is harsh and cruel and can lead to so many lasting damaging results; you wouldn't call someone fat to their face because you understand how hurtful this could be, so why is it any different to see someone underweight and say the same thing? Why is 'muscly' a negative adjective to use when speaking about a woman? 

My answer? society. On a daily basis we are inundated with juice fads, new diets to try, new instagram filers and apps to remove any flaws. We are bombarded with ways to make our lives, our bodies and our social media accounts 'perfect', without giving a second thought to what 'perfect' actually entails. I remember a little less than a year ago I was sat in bed one morning scrolling through twitter when one tweet in particular caught my eye. It said 'real men like meat, only a dog wants a bone'. The sad reality of that tweet is that wasn't just one conceited opinion, it was a tweet that voiced what the majority of society today believes; because s

ociety has come to develop the idea that 'real women' are curvy and we mustn't all feel obliged to conform to size zero. Although I am all for positive role models showing off different body shapes, that doesn't mean that someone who is naturally petite or lacking in curves can't be beautiful too. Why does it have to be one or the other? Just because I was severely underweight, or just because now my body has muscle, it does not make me less of a woman than anyone else. Why does the fact that I am not naturally curvy detract from my ability to be a human being? 

If 'real women' are curvy, then what am I? 

Women have fought for years for equality, the vote, better jobs, the right to earn the same as men, and yet we sit here 2016 and still manage to degrade everything they fought for by tweeting that a 'real woman' is not defined by her achievements but by her body shape.

Time and time again influential women's achievements are degraded due to someone's opinion on their body. Rebecca Adlington is an olympic medalist yet got more press in 2013 for the appearance of her nose during her stint in I'm A Celebrity than her sporting achievements the previous year. Jesy Nelson of Little Mix fame is constantly up against a barrage of social media abuse regarding her size despite the fact she is an incredibly talented young woman. Cheryl Cole was constantly shamed for being too thin during her appearance on last year's X-Factor, without anyone giving a second thought to the fact she might have been battling with numerous personal issues. However, as awful as this trolling and laughing at other people's physical appearance is, the worst part of the situation is the fact that we live in a culture where girls actually bond over body shaming themselves. Not only is it expected for us to laugh at fat women, skinny shame thin women, throw insults at muscly women, but we are expected to dislike our own appearance too.

For years I hated my body. I have cried countless tears wanting to lose weight, gain muscle, tone up, reduce body fat; the list is endless. But over time and through experiences I have learnt to love my body. I know now that my body is just that: mine. The beautiful thing about the female body is that it comes in so many different shapes and sizes, so instead of focusing on everyone else not conforming to perfection, focus on making your body the best version of yourself that you can be. There is no standardisation of beautiful, no amount of diet and exercise will make your legs longer, your hips wider, your boobs bigger, your height smaller. So it's about time we stop bullying each other for things far out of our control.

Last year, I spent *approximately* 546 hours in the gym. During this time my body underwent an enormous physical transformation, something not gone unnoticed by some of the regular gym attendees. Recently, I have received a plethora of incredibly positive comments from members and staff alike, such as; 'you have completely transformed your body shape and you look amazing for it', 'you've gained so much healthy weight', 'I've never seen you look so happy in the 18 months that I've known you' and 'You put us all to shame with how hard you train'. However, as nice as it is to hear these compliments there are a large number of people who do not understand the core reason behind why I spend so much time in the gym, and along the way I was victim to a number of negative comments such as 'you're obsessed with exercise', 'they shouldn't let people as skinny as you join a gym' and 'you're not strong enough to lift that, you'll do yourself a mischief trying'. Did those people ever stop to think that if they hadn't let 'some one as skinny as me' join the gym then I would probably still be sat at home 12kg lighter and immeasurably unhealthier. Don't judge a book by its cover; just because I'm small it doesn't mean I'm not mighty. 

The body above has been through a lot. I am proud of every part of that body, but that body does not define me. I am defined by my mind, my heart, my passion, my education and my strength, and you should be too.

'If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies how different our beauty ideals would be'

Happy Second Birthday to Amy Elizabeth!

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I think it's safe to say that I have had a pretty incredible two years of blogging, and I am so grateful to every person who has been a part of the journey. If someone would have told me on the 7th February 2014 when I finally publicised this blog that Amy Elizabeth would have grown to what it currently is I would have never believed it. Over 12,000 of you are now reading or following Amy Elizabeth in some way! My blog is my passion, I'd love nothing more than to spend hours every day writing, photographing and perfecting Amy Elizabeth, admittedly something that I used to do, until life got in the way as it so often does. Although my blog posts have grown less frequent as life as become more stressful, my blog is still such an integral part of my daily routine and I will continue to blog for as long as I can reach out and make a difference to even one single person.

Below, I have complied a short list of the biggest highlights and most important things I have learnt so far:

1. Award shortlists - This time last year I was in complete shock at having received two national award shortlists... little did I know that I'd be sat here a year later with FIVE national blog award shortlists to my name. Absolutely incomprehensible. The two award ceremonies that I have been able to attend so far were some of the proudest moments of my life, and believe me it is not often I will admit I am proud of myself. Only a few weeks ago it was revealed that I have been shortlisted to win 'Best Lifestyle Blog' in the 2016 UK Blog Awards, a blog title that would mean the absolute world to me, I cannot wait to head to the awards in April so keep your fingers crossed!

2. Confidence - It's a scary thing publishing yourself so openly and honestly on the internet. You are opening yourself up to attack from potentially millions of people who have the opportunity to voice their opinions from the safety of hiding behind their laptop. For a few months I told no one about my blog, terrified of the backlash that I could potentially receive. It only takes a minute of scrolling through twitter to learn that the internet is not always a friendly place. However, my inital reservations could not have been more wrong. The community of the blogging world is incredible and the support between bloggers is so genuine. Hand on heart, the bloggers I have had the absolute pleasure of meeting and attending events with are some of the kindest, most genuine people I have ever met and I am proud to say they are my friends. Feeling accepted by this community has worked wonders for my confidence, and seeing my stories being greeted with such a positive response is such an overwhelming feeling.

3. Blog like no one is reading - A point I wrote about in my 'Happy First Birthday' post, but one that couldn't be more true to this day: 'The turning point for Amy Elizabeth came when I stopped worrying about what every reader was thinking about my content. I stopped writing for the sake of publishing posts, and started writing for myself. The enjoyment I get now when I publish something personal, lifestyle or advice based and receive an overwhelming amount of positive responses is exponential. The idea that even one person is taking the time to not only read what I have to say, but comment on how it has helped or inspired them in some way is enough to make me want to continue blogging for as long as anyone is willing to read it.'

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much once again. I promise that over the next 12 months my blog will become much more of a priority and I hope that you continue to want to read what I have to say!

#IIFYM: Flexible Dieting Explained

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I think it's safe to say that over the course of my life I've had a pretty love-hate relationship with food.  I have a number of food allergies, meaning I never saw food as something I was able to enjoy. Food was a chore and something that even to this day I have never been overly excited about. Throughout my life I have covered pretty much every extreme from placing my body in a state of starvation to binging on nothing but sugar.

The problem with trying to maintain a healthy diet is the amount of conflicting information available to us on what exactly we should be eating. On a daily basis we are bombarded with new 'healthy' diets, weight loss tips and fad detoxes, just this week at work I saw the Daily Telegraph's article about how 'eating chocolate cake for breakfast can help you lose weight', and only a few weeks back it was reported in the media that black pudding is the new 'superfood' of 2016... The thing people often forget is that your body is a machine, and food should be seen as fuel: put good quality fuel in and your machine will run far more efficiently.

When I started training I changed my eating habits drastically, cut sugar, tried to stay away from snacking and generally stuck to what I assumed, due to the plethora of lies fed to us by the media, to be a 'healthy diet'. However it only took a few days of actually tracking my macronutrients to discover that my balance was actually way off.

If you have never heard of #IIFYM before, (short for 'if it fits your macros'), then at first glance the whole thing can seem incredibly confusing or daunting, admittedly it is only in the past month or so that I have actually got my head round it but now it makes meal planning and snacking so much easier, knowing that everything I am eating completely fits into my plan, and I have never felt more comfortable with eating in my whole life.

What exactly is a macronutrient?

In short, macros stands for macronutrients, the three main nutrients our body needs for survival: protein, fat and carbohydrates. Since following my IIFYM plan I know that everything entering my body is equating to the exact right amount of protein, carbs and fat for my training... because of this it removes any 'guilt' feeling associated with food at all, as I know my body NEEDS the macronutrient ratio I am feeding it.

Step One: Calculate your Basal Metabolic Rate

Your BMR is basically the amount of calories your body burns at rest, or the amount of calories required for all your bodily functions to function whilst maintaining your weight and doing no physical activity. The easiest way to work this out is using the calculation below:

For men: BMR = 10 x weight (kg) + 6.25 x height (cm) – 5 x age (years) + 5

For women: BMR = 10 x weight (kg) + 6.25 x height (cm) – 5 x age (years) – 161

Step Two: Factor in your lifestyle

You now need to combine this BMR number with how active your lifestyle is to work out you Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE). This number will equal the total amount of calories that your body will burn on a daily basis, including all exercise and factoring in how strenuous your job is, i.e. if you have a sedentary job but do intense exercise 6-7 times a week (like me), you times your BMR by 1.375 to work out your TDEE... (but don't worry about working this bit out just yet, I'll pop a link below that does the whole thing for you).

Step Three: Work out your Macros

To simplify, 1g of carbs = 4 calories, 1g of protein = 4 calories, 1g of fat = 9 calories. Once you know the total amount of calories your body needs per day, you can work out how many calories need to come from each macro depending on your end goal. For muscle gain follow a 45% carbs, 30% protein, 25% fat ratio with a 20% increase on your TDEE calorie recommendation. For maintenance you want to stick to a 45% carbs, 30% protein, 25% fat ratio hitting your TDEE, and for fat loss you want to follow a ratio similar to 40% carbs, 40% protein, 20% fat eating a calorie deficit of around 10% your TDEE, so for me this entails eating 151g of carbs, 151g of protein and 35g of fat per day. The easiest way to track this? Download an app (I use My Fitness Pal), and use the nutrition wheel to track that you are consuming the correct amount of these three nutrients.

To easily calculate your macros click this 

LINK

 (source: www.bodybuilding.com)

The reason this makes your diet so much easier (even though it sounds ten times harder) is that within your macros you can eat WHAT EVER YOU WANT. And funnily enough, I am actually finding food 

fun 

for the first time in my life.

Health vs. Aesthetics

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'Exercise because it feels good. Exercise because it makes you happy. Don't exercise because you're terrified that you ate too much for dinner. Don't exercise because you hate the way your body looks in the mirror. Loving yourself will get you so much further than hating yourself.'

I love everything about the gym. I love the social aspect, the therapy aspect, the feeling of pain when you're pushing yourself to your absolute limits but still manage to continue. I love the feeling of accomplishment when you complete a workout, the feeling of success when you hit a new PB. Most importantly I love feeling fit, healthy and strong. Yet something I have recently realised is that very few people go to the gym for the above reasons. People care so much more about what they look like than how healthy they are. People glorify looking a certain way but don't actually care about their health.

My boyfriend is a Personal Trainer and Gym Instructor; he encounters hundreds of people from a wide variety of ages, genders and lifestyles on a daily basis. I can almost guarantee that 90% of the inductions carried out over the past five years of his career have been centred around one goal: aesthetics. 'I want to lose *X* stone', 'I want abs', 'I want to tone up'... Never does anyone say 'I want to become fit and healthy and if I lose some excess weight as a result then I'll be happy'. And why? Because ultimately people don't care. Why don't they care? Because society teaches girls that having abs is far more important in life than being healthy.

One of the biggest problems with focusing so much attention on these aesthetic or numerical goals is that in time your happiness becomes dependent upon them. You lose three pounds in your first week and life is great, then your weight loss plateaus and you lose all motivation and actually start to feel incredibly down about yourself. Instead of judging progress by the scales or how your body looks, judge it by performance. Today I completed an ab workout, a boxercise class, a spinning class and swam 100 lengths. A year ago I would have struggled to even do half a spinning class. My deadlift PB is 87.5kg, when a year ago I struggled to lift the 4kg kettlebell. And that is something to be proud of. THAT is something to base your goals on.

The media has the power of dictating humanities perception of beauty, but the fact is women all too willingly jump on the bandwagon in tearing each other down. I firmly believe that women are strong and powerful and deserve to be treated equally and fairly not only by the opposite sex but by each other. Unfortunately, amongst other things, women are exceptionally good at tearing each other down. Yes, the magazines say 'she's too thin', 'she's too fat', 'she's too muscly', but who is it that continues to buy these magazines keeping them in business? Women. Women who know how hard it can be to be at peace with your body in this perfection obsessed world. When did it become acceptable to judge someone else on their appearance, because that is not a world that I am happy to exist in.

Over the past year I have worked incredibly hard to change my outlook on life, shift my priorities from worrying about trivial things to focusing on important things like family and health. It is all too easy to forget that what is going on inside your body is far more important than what it looks like on the outside, and it only takes a quick look at my medical history to know my inside needed some serious work. As a result? I've gained 11 whole kilograms. I GAINED weight, and a lot of it, yet I am HEALTHIER than I have ever been in my life.

The point I am really trying to make is that I wish women would stop glorifying a particular body shape or size and in the process diminish someone else's self confidence. What is important is your health, not the number sewn into the clothes you are wearing. You deserve to be respected, you deserve to be happy and most importantly you deserve to be healthy.

Train hard, eat clean and abs or not, be proud of how your body adapts as a result... Beauty doesn't have a weight limit.

There is no Excuse for Being Unhealthy

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'Happiness is an inside job, don't let anyone else take that much power over your life.'

Your priorities are not what you say they are, they are revealed by the way in which you choose to live your life. I spent so many years of my life trying to achieve things for other people's happiness; living, reacting and responding to other peoples opinions. It wasn't until a therapist who was incredibly instrumental in a lot of the changes I've made told me that to care for yourself, to prioritise your own happiness and to most importantly love yourself how you wish to be loved by another is not selfish; it is essential for a mentally healthy and fulfilling life... Yet how many of us actually take time to make

ourselves

a priority? Sometimes you have to take a step back to realise what's important to you in life... sometimes it takes an awful event to spark a realisation that change is necessary... however it may be that you decide on what matters most to you, the thing to remember is that you and you alone are responsible for your own actions.

Sadly, health is something taken for granted, something that goes unappreciated until it has gone and only when we have a diagnosis do we begin to become concerned about it. Health is a luxury, and we should treat it as one, but unfortunately we live in a world where money and success are prioritised above health and happiness. People are full to the brim with excuses for why health is not a priority to them, to why they 'needed' that chocolate bar, to why their life is just too stressful to worry about their diet and fitness too. But what people fail to understand is that all of this goes hand in hand... feel stressed? Exercise. Feel sluggish? Eat nutritious food. Making your body happy on the inside goes a very long way in helping you feel the same on the outside. Below I have compiled my list of answers to these countless excuses to prove that if you wish, you can always find time to prioritise your health.

1. 'Instead of 'I don't have time', try saying 'it's not a priority' and see how that feels'.  -

Including time spent commuting, I work 53 hours a week, I am maintaining a first in my degree, running my blog and still have time to train six days a week (minimum), with some days involving both a morning and evening gym sessions and find time to meal prep. It is so important to dedicate time to your health. Remember: everyone has the same amount of hours in the day, it's not a case of not having time it's a case of not finding time. OK, so let's break it down... you work full time meaning at least 8 hours a day, in a less than ideal scenario your commute is two hours a day, in addition to this you want a good 8 hours sleep and you need an hour in the morning to get ready for work and make your lunch. That totals your current daily hours to 19, leaving a clear five hours left. Take off an hour or two for dinner and seeing friends and family and you still have three whole hours to binge on Netflix... obviously a bigger priority than your health right? 

2. But then comes excuse number two 'I've worked hard and deserve time to chill'. - 

Correct, down time and relaxation are also incredibly important for your health, but three hours a day EVERY DAY? Just in the 'working week' this totals 15 hours of 'Netflix' time, (not including the 48 hours of weekend freedom),  and you're still convincing yourself you don't have time to fit in an hour of exercise? So yes, relax, unwind and take time for your mind to switch off but I promise this relaxation will be infinitely more beneficial after exercise. 

3. Excuse number 3: I don't have enough money to join the gym -

Firstly there are a plethora of flexible gym memberships available for under £20 a month, costing you an average of 66p a day, or £4.66 a week. Skipping on that Starbucks once a week or having one less cocktail on a night out could fund a gym membership for a week. Even more, not buying that new £20 bargain dress could pay for a whole month. Ask yourself what's more important. If money really is a struggle it isn't even necessary to join a gym to stay fit and healthy. It costs absolutely nothing to go on a run, or even a walk and if you're not feeling confident to exercise in public you can always complete bodyweight based circuits in the comfort of your own home.

4. The worst one of all: I can't think of anything worse than spending my free time exercising -

Would you still feel that way when being treated in hospital for diabetes, heart disease or liver failure? In most people books I'd like to think an hours exercise here and there is infinitely more enjoyable than a lifetime of medical treatment to help minimise the irreversible damage to your health. When you take away your health you have nothing... in fact if your health really suffers you won't be able to see your friends or go on those nights out... but you will have infinite Netflix time. Which somehow doesn't seem so appealing when it's your only choice.

This blog post isn't meant to be a lecture or a moan, it's meant to be a plea. A request from me for you to spend some time to really assess what is important to you in this life. Remember: if it's important you'll find a way, if it's not you'll find an excuse.

Food is Fuel

Dealing with weight gain can be hard, especially when you are eating a diet consisting solely of foods that most people would eat to lose weight. I have to admit that there have been times when I have questioned my training and my decision to allow my body to gain muscle, curves and size; Times when eating no sugar and only freshly home cooked meals has seemed arduous and nothing short of a bore; Times when I have seen people indulge in snacks and meals full of sugar and saturated fat and in my head would still have 'better bodies' than I did.

A confession: up until fairly recently, despite the huge changes in my body, strength and attitude, I have to hold my hands up and admit that there were days when I wasn't seeing progress or results. Don't get me wrong- I am immensely proud of everything I have achieved through my blog and fitness journey, but there were days or even weeks on end when sometimes I just felt like the effort I put in did not equate to the results I was getting back out. I didn't just give this whole healthy lifestyle a half hearted try, or make myself a lacklustre New Year's promise to eat a healthy diet and join a gym- I fully 100% committed every single aspect of my life to the decision I made. I do not drink alcohol, I rarely eat sugar, I pushed myself to my absolute limits in the gym around 300 times in 2015 alone, yet still there were days when all I saw was a bigger version of myself, and I am sad to admit, days when I was ashamed of myself.

Was everyone just looking at me and commenting on how 'big' I'd gotten? Did I even look like I went to the gym? How much food is too much? How much weight gain is too much? When I reach my target weight what do I do to stop myself continually gaining more?

Raw facts - when you go from nothing to something, you will see results, and you will see them quickly. Eventually, these will even out over time as your body becomes used to its new level of activity, and this then becomes the new 'norm' for your body. Everyone will hit a wall within their training and people will react differently when this happens to them. A plethora of different reasons can cause these hiccups, and although I was probably aware what was causing mine, it was something I was not 100% ready to admit to myself. Strangely enough, despite my weight gain, I discovered I still wasn't eating enough. I learnt a crazy lesson that eating more food does not necessarily equate to weight gain. Sugar and alcohol and saturated fat lead to weight gain- and more importantly lead to heart failure, liver disease and diabetes. So then I had this mini revelation - does a few extra pounds really matter if that weight is lean muscle? Yes, I could easily lose half a stone again and may feel more familiar in my body, but I would sacrifice by strength by doing so and that is not a risk I am willing to take... and funnily enough, since cutting sugar again and upping my protein intake, despite eating additional calories, I feel like my body looks better than it ever has before. 

The bottom line is: Food is fuel. I remember being told once in a therapy session months and months ago 'your body is like a car, if you don't put petrol in it you can't function'. At the time the comment just washed over my head, but now I understand the true importance of that lesson. Looking ok on the outside does not equate to being healthy on the inside, and piling food into your body that is not going to nourish it will not allow you to become the fastest, fittest, strongest version of yourself.

People need to learn to stop being afraid of food (myself somewhat included), and by that I don't just mean people suffering with some sort of eating disorder. I mean anyone who would openly admit to taking the 'lazy' option when it comes to diet and health. I am currently the heaviest I have been in nearly four years, but I am also the strongest I have ever been in my life, and that is such an empowering feeling.

*P.S. I would absolutely love it if you'd click HERE and vote for me in the UK Blog Awards!

UK Blog Awards and BIG Beauty Giveaway

What a year last year was! I had no idea when starting my blog that it would ever get to the level it has now reached. The fact that I have managed to turn my three biggest passions: fashion, fitness and blogging into a platform which thousands of people are now following and regularly reading is really quite humbling. As a thank you, I want to run a big beauty giveaway worth over £40!*

In just short of two years, Amy Elizabeth has been shortlisted for four national blog awards - an achievement that I never expected and something I am still incredibly proud of. I know I have hounded you a few* (*a lot) of times about voting for me for various awards, however I must once again ask for your support! Amy Elizabeth is currently on the long list for two 2016 UK Blog Awards- 'Best Lifestyle Blog' and 'Best Health and Social Care Blog' - so please, if you have found comfort in my blog and feel like I am worthy of making it on to the shortlist for these awards then I would once again truly appreciate your votes. You can vote by clicking HERE and selecting the first option on the 'category' drop down menu for 'Lifestyle + Health and Social Care', which will allow you to vote for my blog in both the long listed categories.

Thank you once again, and good luck with the giveaway!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

*Giveaway includes: Benefit B.right! Radiant Skincare 6 Piece Set and Rihanna Rogue Perfum gift set.

THE SECOND OF JANUARY: MY NEW YEAR

'One day it just clicks... You realise what's important and what isn't. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realise how far you've come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that they'd never recover. And then you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you've fought to become'...

A year ago tomorrow marks the anniversary of an event that changed my life. An event that happened two years after events that I would describe as the closest I have come to hitting my 'rock bottom'. That statement will not be easy for some people to understand as I have a happy home life, a loving family, I was studying at university, I got perfect grades in school... on the outside I was living a pretty perfect text book life, but on the inside I was battling with crippling anxiety, - (and it is thanks to my amazing support system that I am now in a place, three years on, where I can talk about my experiences with honesty in the hope of helping someone else do the same.) J K Rowling once said 'rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life'. And sitting here now I feel the exact same.

On the second of January 2015 I had my first ever personal training session. 

On the 9th January 2015 I wrote the following passage in a blog post: 'I can't remember a time in my life where I haven't felt inferior to somebody else around me, be it in academic achievements, personality, talent, body shape. I am guilty of constantly comparing myself to other people, over analysing myself and my achievements in comparison to those of the people who surround me and time and time again the conclusion of this analysis was that I was not good enough. I went to an extremely academic school, and although I loved my time there, I constantly struggled with the fact that every subject I considered myself to excel in, there was someone else who was just that little bit better. It was not that I had a desire to be the best or to be better than anyone else, I just longed to not feel inferior.'

The feeling of worry and fear of acceptance hung on to me for a very long time. It is a feeling I can date back to being as young as five years old: I was young and innocent and believed magic was the most wonderful thing in the world. I believed with every fibre of my body that Fairy God Mothers and Happily Ever Afters (and singing mice) really did exist. I believed it so strongly that when Santa dropped off a Snow White dress at Christmas, I cried from the irrational fear that if I wore it the wicked witch would come and kill me. I was five years old, and I was already letting worries ruin me.

When I was eighteen I first asked for help. But it wasn't until I was nearly twenty one that I was 100% dedicated to wanting to become truly content and happy with myself and my body.

In the early afternoon of the Second of January 2015, I spent just over an hour getting ready before leaving my house, I tried on every single piece of gym clothing I owned at least twice and didn't feel comfortable in anything. I hated how the tight fabric grabbed my skin, I thought the elastane stuck and stretched over my fat and as I looked in the mirror I very nearly cancelled my session. But there was no fat for those clothes to grab, I was underweight, fragile, sad and fed up, but as this terrified girl stared in the mirror an imaginary image of what I thought my body looked like stared back at me. I was terrified that people would look at me and laugh, what was I expecting? Years of dodging P.E. lessons at school told me that my fitness levels were awful and I was so weak that I struggled to even open bottles of water or walk up the stairs without feeling out of breath. 

The reality? I thrived off feeling small and empty, it allowed me to place a physical symptom on the emotional opinion I had of myself. It is less scary to feel mentally empty and worthless if you physically make your body feel the same too. 'I'm not mad, I'm ill' became a justification for a string of increasingly dangerous habits and for a very long time I pushed away nearly every person who had my best intentions at heart. 

But I knew the situation I had got myself in could not go any further. I had to get myself better, and so I left my house and arrived at the gym early. I sat in my car and counted down the minutes until it was time to leave my safety zone. I spent my first ever personal training session doing body weight based pilates exercises because it was all my weak frame could handle. Slowly, after hours and hours and hours of hard work I began to see a change. It took three months from that first session to my first ever 'strength session', and that was when I learnt the biggest lesson of my life: 'life begins at the end of your comfort zone'. Twelve months down the line I couldn't imagine my life in any other way. People will always have an opinion on how you choose to live your life, but having been so close to destroying my own I am proud of the way I have chosen to live mine. This time last year I made the best decision and the biggest jump of my life, and time and time again people have tried to tell me that my lifestyle is too obsessive or extreme... But to me obsession is a word lazy people use to describe determination. 

I wrote a blog post a few months back which began with the line 'My worst fear used to be that one day the whole world would wake up and see me the way I saw myself'. I am proud to say this is no longer my worst fear. I have evolved and changed a lot over 2015, but the most important lesson I learnt is that everyone deserves to be happy, and everyone deserves the right to show that happiness as publicly or as privately as they wish, regardless of what someone else's opinion may be. 

In reality, I am incredibly sad to see the back of 2015... it has without a doubt been the most life altering year of my life. Important people have both entered and left my life and I feel like I am finally ready to say goodbye to the old me as the new year begins. I have grown as a person, my priorities have shifted and although I feel positive to enter 2016 in a much more emotionally stable place, I feel a sense of loss in saying goodbye to the struggle and fight that 2015 was. I am confident that I will forever look back on this year as being one of the pinnacles of my existence, and I will never forget how hard the journey was for me.

Bring on 2016, let's hope you're even kinder to me.