Measure Yourself in Strength not Pounds

My worst fear used to be that one day the whole world would wake up and see me the way I saw myself.

I thrived off feeling small and empty, it allowed me to place a physical symptom on the emotional opinion I had of myself. It is less scary to feel mentally empty and worthless if you physically make your body feel the same too. 'I'm not mad, I'm ill' became a justification for a string of increasingly dangerous habits and for a very long time I pushed away nearly every person who had my best intentions at heart. 


My mind tricked me and lead me to believe that everyone wanted me to get fat. Every irrational thought in my head wanted me to get fat. Anyone who offered me food wanted me to get fat. What I failed to realise at the time was that not one person was concerned with how fat I may or may not have been. They were concerned with my mind. They wanted me to be healthy. Not fat. Yet in my mind those two were one and the same thing. I would rather have been skinny and unhealthy than strong and alive.

Weight is a strange concept. Calories even stranger. In reality, neither really exist, yet I allowed both to take such a strong control over my life. My emotional state every morning was completely and solely dependent on the weight shown on the scales, a gain of even a quarter of a pound could send me into a panic; a refusal to leave my room incase someone remarked on my weight gain. At the minute, this is a fight that I'm trying very hard to win. Over the past 8 months I have gained 20 pounds, taking myself from a severely low weight to a healthy one through numerous diet and lifestyle changes coupled with 6 months of progressive training in the gym. I've weighed this much before. And I was extremely unhappy when I did. But just because I weigh the same it doesn't mean I am the same. Last time, my hair was so thin it was falling out. My skin was grey. My body was covered in bruises. I was severely anaemic. My bones were weak. I was dehydrated. I was anxious and worried all the time... but this time I can deadlift much more than I weigh. I can do press ups on my toes. I can hold a 25kg bar over my head and lunge. And most importantly, I can actually walk up the stairs without feeling like passing out. I can lie in bed without the pain of my bones digging into my skin. And I can smile, in the knowledge that my incredible support system were right all along. I am not fat. I am healthy.
Healthier not heavier.

Recovery isn't black and white. It is not a case of being unwell or not. There is a huge patch of grey with small amounts of black and white at either side. I started very much in the black, but that doesn't mean that I am now in the white. At times I still cry because that voice still rents a space in my head. Yes, it's downsized… moved out of it's big detached house in my head and moved into a small bedsit in the corner, but it's still there. I am learning to accept that maybe that is where it will always be. Recovery at times was harder on my mind than when I was in the depths of my struggle. Fighting a never ceasing internal battle between wanting to get better and not wanting to let go of what has become so normal and comforting for you. But ultimately you have a choice: to feed yourself and fight your illness or to feed your illness and fight yourself.

You always have a choice… please make the right one.

15 Happy Things

Life has changed a lot lately, in some ways for the better, in some ways questionably for the worse. But whether good or bad, change is always a necessary and integral part of life. Even something which may seem at first to be a negative change doesn't have to remain so for change teaches people strength, it enlightens us to opportunities we never before considered and if nothing else, change teaches us to appreciate what we once had. In light of so much change I have decided to reflect on those happy things which have remained constant, the things in my life which put a smile on my face every day and make me truly thankful to be alive.


001. Waking up to my cats snuggled up on my bed
002. My body's ability to consistently wake up before the sun, meaning I get to watch it rise
003. Lazy Sunday cooked breakfasts
004. Bubble Baths
005. The fact I have a bed to sleep in, a kitchen to cook in and a house to call a home
006. Proper belly laughs
007. Books for allowing my mind to escape into another world
008. The sunshine (even if it is hidden behind cloud the majority of the time)
009. Friends who always know what's best for me, even if I don't know it myself
010. Health
011. The balance between independence and dependence - knowing that you can survive alone, but knowing there are people willing to help you when you struggle
012. The gym for being the best form of therapy
013. Cups of tea and girly late night snuggles in my mum's bed
014. The constant never ceasing support of loved ones
015. Harry Potter. Always.

Things to Remember when You Don't Feel Good Enough

At only 21 years old I have this problem where I never seem to be able to reward myself. Even if there is nothing imminent on my to-do list, it is guaranteed that I will find something else to stress and worry about. There is always something on my mind ready for me to pull to pieces and criticise. Nothing ever seems good enough, be it my grades, my work, my performance in the gym, my body image. I am a self critic. And I know I'm not the only one. We live in a world where we are constantly told by the media, twitter, instagram, celebrities and peers how we are supposed to act and more importantly re-act to situations thrown at us by life. The list of societies' expectations for us to behave and conform to a certain ideal is endless, and failure to meet this standard can easily result in the feeling that you are not good enough, once again beginning the vicious cycle of self-critique.

It's easy to let yourself get down, to beat yourself up about your differences rather than embrace the fact that you are an individual working towards different goals than other people. Back when I was struggling, I used to long so badly to be 'normal'. I used to say that my goal in life was to wake up in the morning and not feel inferior, to be able to go about my day to day life with ease. I no longer want to be normal. Normal doesn't really exist. Don't change yourself to conform to someone else's idea of perfection, and don't allow societies standards to make you feel inferior.

Below is a little list of things to remember when you don't feel good enough:

001. Going forward is hard but going back is harder - When you're working towards a goal it's easy to feel disheartened, especially when it seems like the work you are putting in does not equate to the results you are getting out. Someone recently said something to me which really resonated- when going forward seems hard, almost impossible, just remember it's ten times harder to go back. Going back to a place where you were unhappy or far away from your goal means either accepting that you must forever live you life in that place, or once again begin on the journey. You're already part way there and the beginning is the hardest, so keep going. 

002. Being good enough to try is infinitely more important than being good enough to succeed - There's a quotation that is commonly used which says something along the lines of 'it's better to try and fail than to never have tried at all'. In the grand scheme of life what really is 'success' anyway? At what point do you define something as 'not being good enough'? Good enough for yourself, or good enough for society? Ignore the audience and fight for your own dreams for yourself and no one else.

003. Progress > perfection - No body is perfect… don't ever compare yourself to anyone else because people have become incredibly good at hiding the less polished aspects of their life. Facebook timelines are a highlight reel, a compilation of the 'best bits'. You can't possibly compare your full story to someone else's blurb. As long as you are making progress, staying positive and working towards your own happiness you are good enough.

Paperchase Haul

 Today is officially the last day of my summer holidays (if you can even refer to them as that considering the distinct lack of summer weather during my 12 days of freedom), as tomorrow is my first day working as a Fashion Merchandiser for South Beach Swim, where I will be working for a year before completing my final year of university. Being the list-making-stationary-addict-organisation-obsessive girl that I am, a new job seemed like the perfect excuse to head down to Paperchase and stock up on some cute little office essentials, so I thought I'd share a few of my purchases with you…


001. List Book - The cutest little ribbon tied note book, which when opened is home to four different coloured 'sticky tabs', larger sticky notes, a checklist-to-do-list style pad and a larger A5 ruled notepad. Basically this is just the best invention I have ever come across and I can already tell I will be obsessively sticky tabbing my life away for the next 12 months.

002. Ruled Notebook - Because we all need a pretty place to jot down all our notes. As part of my placement year, I am required to write monthly e-logs, documenting what I have learnt and what my day-to-day responsibilities at work have been, so I thought this simple little note book would be the perfect place to note all this down.

003. Pineapple Sticky Note Pad - as if I didn't have enough sticky notes already, these sticky notes come in literally the cutest packaging I have ever come across, complete with a velcro fastening. And they're in pineapple print. How. Cute.

004. Pineapple Pen - Because every fashion student needs a fluffy pen to match her sticky notes. Need I say any more?

Baking With Vita Coco // Protein Oat Bars*

Coconut Oil is a product that has taken over my instagram feed recently. Famed for it's multiple uses, from baking, adding to smoothies to using as make up remover or for adding shine to your hair… it is one of the most versatile natural products on the market at the minute, so I couldn't wait to give it a go. If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will know that back in February I made some big lifestyle changes, including cutting out processed sugar, therefore I decided to try baking my very own invention of protein oat bars with Vita Coco Coconut Oil.


Ingredients (makes 12):
90g gluten free oats
25g protein powder (I used unflavoured, but feel free to use which ever flavour you prefer)
2 tbsp chia seeds
3 tbsp coconut oil
A generous helping of blueberries or other toping
0% fat greek yoghurt

Method:
Preheat the oven to 175 degrees centigrade
Add the oats, protein, chia seeds and blueberries to a mixing bowl
Heat the coconut oil in the microwave for one minute
Add the coconut oil to the dry mixture and mix together
Pour into a lined baking tray or loaf tin and press into the corners
Bake in the oven for 20 minutes
Remove from the oven and leave to cool
Spread a thin layer of 0% greek yoghurt over the top
Place in the fridge to set for 3-5 hours
Cut and serve!

With absolutely no nasties, these little bars are a perfect pre or post workout snack, with added protein and all natural ingredients you can enjoy them guilt free too :)

More Sleep Please

If sleep were a person it would be nice. Sleep lets you enter a new world and forget about everything in this one for a while. I love to sleep, but my mind has this problem where it won't stop talking to itself. 4am is like friend who knows all my secrets. The problem when you suffer from insomnia or have a mind that apparently exists in a separate time zone to your body is that it's hard not only to drift off to sleep, but to sustain it for a long enough period of time. Sleep vs. thoughts. Rest vs. exhaustion. Years existing in a never ending cycle of minimal sleep have taught me a few tips and tricks about how to optimise those precious hours you do manage to steal, and how to relax your mind before bed time to try and help you switch off a little easier.


001. Atmosphere - Get into bed at least 20 minutes before you actually plan on falling asleep… by this I don't mean get into bed at 10 and then wind down. If you want to go to sleep at 10, get in to bed at 9.40, or earlier if possible, and leave all technology in another room. Light some candles, read a book or jot down your thoughts in a notebook. All of these things will help to clear your mind meaning you will fall asleep much calmer.

002. Fresh Bedding - There are few things in life as satisfying as sinking in to a bed of freshly washed sheets. There's something comforting in the smell and the crisp texture that I absolutely love, and I always seem to get a better nights sleep the night I've changed my bed. Now, I've got into the habit of making sure I change my bed the night before a stressful event such as an exam, and it really does help me to drift off to sleep a little easier.

003. Herbal Tea - Right before bed try drinking a cup of warm herbal tea. Chamomile tea is favoured for it's relaxing properties, however I am personally a huge fan of ginger or cranberry green tea. Not only will the warm drink help you to relax, going to bed hydrated will help to ensure you sleep for longer and are not woken up during the night due to thirst.

004. Practice Yoga Breathing - Recently I've really fallen in love with yoga, it's one of the only activities where I can completely channel all my energy into myself. Yoga helps me to find my calm and relax both my body and mind. If you're not a yoga fan, or can't get to a class late at night, try youtubing some yoga breathing exercises. Even maintaining a steady rhythm of deep breaths will help the whole body to relax, making it much easier for you to drift off to sleep.

DISCLAIMER

All products reviewed have been purchased by myself unless otherwise stated. If the product has been sent as a gift, or it is a sponsored post then the post title will be clearly marked with an asterix (*). I do make a small amount of money from some posts, however I will never post a false opinion as the trust and loyalty of my readers is my priority. All reviews are 100% truthful and all views are my own. All imagery is my own unless otherwise stated.

To contact me regarding PR work, sponsored reviews or to send free gifts please email amy-lyons@hotmail.co.uk.